Reflections -

October 10, 2014


2014 is coming to a close soon and before all the Christmas wishes and new year resolutions are out, I'm going to spend some time now to write about my reflections over the past year...
It's gonna be a long post so brace yourself for it.

I guess that everyone who has been reading my blog would know a big thing happened for me almost a year ago.. and from that time till now, except for one blogpost, I've kept pretty quiet on my side about my private life. Amongst other little reasons, the main one would be that it is not mine and D's intention to have our private lives out there the way it was in the past with my ex. And of course, it hurt a lot when I saw the people closest to me feel down when it happened. I can take it because I chose to go on with this 'job' and knew it was coming, but they didn't and it was unfair. So I made it a point from then on to protect them as much as I could.

The first thing that I wish to say, is this - The thing is... I never meant to be a 'blogger', I never foresaw myself having a voice like this. My numbers are not high compared to the other bloggers in Singapore, but I've managed to support myself through most of Lasalle till now with the money I earn from blogging.
Every job comes with sacrifices, and when you're a blogger - and I know this for a fact - it's really easy to get caught up in this whole lifestyle and many let it get to your head, becoming obsessed with the 'fame' and the lifestyle. The superficial stuff. You feel you have this certain image to portray and I used to be like that, a little, but thankfully I had my family who reminded me often to keep my feet grounded. I snapped out of it, choosing to only go for meet ups or events when it is paid or when I know I'll be with someone I know is real and we are going as friends to make memories.

I was painfully open with my private life in the past and this is something I wish I hadn't done and gotten so caught up with because I see now how it was unhealthy for my relationship and myself then. It might have been my choice to be open about all of it, but not everyone wants their private lives on the web and I should have respected that from the start.
Does it add unnecessary pressure to the relationship? Yes. But does it mean things would be different now if I didn't do so? No. Did it hurt when I found out he cheated way early in the relationship? Yes. But does it mean I regret it all? No.
You learn as you go, and grow as you learn. 
I do believe in true love, and that everyone you meet and fall in and out of love with, makes you the person perfect for the person you are meant for. I still wish him the best.

I'm happier now than I've ever been. I don't need to justify this with proof of how much he loves me or how great our relationship is, but we both know it in our hearts and the people close to us know it too. There is no perfect relationship, and maybe I still don't know I know how to really love someone properly, but now I've learnt that love does mean you literally never give up on someone and it's not all about having fun and making memories, but it is the hard stuff you go through together.
An unhealthy relationship doesn't always just mean there is abuse involved, it could also be a relationship that does not make you better people. You should never control someone you love or be unfaithful in even the smallest way. Your words should always match your actions.

I know that everyone will always have something to say because they are all entitled to their own opinions. Of course there are things I still wish I had done differently. There are many things in my life I wish I had done differently. My exams, every project I gave up halfway on, every time I disappointed my parents. But when all is said and done, I did follow my heart and I chose love over everything I had and I was ready to face the consequences when it happened. It doesn't mean it was easy, and it doesn't mean I think it's right or it's wrong. EVERYBODY makes mistakes. There are so many stories I hear and things I know for a fact are true, things I could use to hurt others the way I was hurt. I'm not being noble or whatever by not doing it, honestly all there is to it is that I don't see a reason for me to spread negativity even if I can't spread positivity. 

There really is no right and wrong in love the way it is in art, and choosing to hate on something as pure as love is actually really sad. This world is already not an easy place to live in. Sure, there are things you may not agree with, but spreading hate is never the right thing to do. 
"This is wrong. This is right." - Who made you a judge? We really never understand a person's story fully, we can only see what they choose to show and we can only try to understand. Like what our pretty damn awesome Pope is fighting for now, stating that the Church was an unhealthy obsession with abortion, gay marriage and contraception.. Criticising the church for putting dogma before love, and for prioritizing moral doctrines over serving the poor and marginalized.
You wanna do something right? Wanna fight for something? Go out and spread love and positivity, go help the poor or the abandoned doggies who have no voice, that's what this world needs the most.

Being blessed to have the fate of having a voice in this huge world is something I am REALLY and constantly thankful for and I've managed to use it to get the word out about causes I care about which means a lot to me.
Sadly, some people use their voices and the power of the internet in the wrong way, spreading unhealthy messages instead of positive ones. Spreading untrue stories they hear that they don't understand or know for a fact may be true. The bottom line is : If you don't dare to say something to someone's face, don't say it behind a screen. Bullying doesn't have to be physical or done face to face, bullying can be done mentally especially online and a lot of young people go through this, I know it for a fact. Because I get emails and messages often enough asking me how I dealt with all the negativity I had thrown at me and although I guess one email reply can't solve all their problems, I do try my best to reply them with the same amount of heart they took to type their (usually) long and heartfelt email to me. Recently, I've been super busy and my emails have been neglected, even work ones.. (I hope to always have this luxury and pray for more energy and time to work out on my side!) But I'll get back to you guys ASAP, ok?
You can't control people and what they say, but you can control the way you react. For now, stand up for yourself. You don't have to fight back but fight for yourself. What is you dream? Realise it or take your first steps towards it. Only your mind and your body can stop you and if you're physically good to go, change your mind. Choose to be happy, choose to fight for your dreams. Always be positive, and one day you'll be successful in chasing your dreams.

I'm no angel, none of us are. We're all just trying to learn everyday and we'll always be learning till the day we die. And everyday is a new chance to be better than today. 

x