May 27, 2017

It's been so long since I've sat down in front of this screen, on this page, to pour my heart out on this space I call my blog. It's been so long that I almost feel like I don't know how to do it anymore, but I'm going to try.. 

I did a little 'Uncensored'-style interview today, and I was reminded of a lot of people and things that have happened from before because they were asked about, which is understandable because that's the nature of this show in the first place, but I just couldn't help but go back and read my old blog entries tonight. It's kind of a strange feeling, and to be honest, what surprised me the most was how open I used to be on this space (and on all my other social media channels as well)

If you've been following me for awhile, and I do know that some of you have been, because you always let me know (and oh my god am I thankful for you guys), you'd know it's been a bit of a struggle for me to go back to how I was like before. 

Growing older has also made me much more protective over my private life, and I don't mean just my love life, but my entire life in general. This protectiveness probably isn't so much about me, but it's about my family and friends whom I'd much rather not be part of this social media world because the people in the industry can be so ugly and I feel like I'm the only one who signed up for this when I took it on as a job, not them. There's been too many instances where the people close to me have been thrown knives in the form of words and it's not okay with me on any level, even if they tell me that they understand.

Although I kind of already know that the way I absorb, process and react to things is much different now from how it used to be, I didn't realize how much until today.

I've grown to be so comfortable in my own skin that I don't go chasing beauty the way I used to anymore -  I haven't done anything to my face in more than 2 years and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with fillers/Botox for a little enhancement here and there, because when I'm older I'll definitely do some 'maintenance', but the superficial beauty I used to crave and go after have turned into chasing experiences and happiness. The way I see it now, the beauty you cannot touch or see is so much more beautiful.


Roald Dahl was right :

“If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”


You can trust me on this. I've seen some of the most stylish, good-looking people at the fanciest of places, and even then, it's not beauty I see when I hear the things *cough (people) cough* they talk about and the way they behave. I don't know if you believe in energy like I do but man, some of these people are really as superficial as they seem. That's why you still hardly see me at events although people always tell me to 'Just go and PR so you won't lose out on jobs'. The reason I'd only go if it's paid (or if it's an interesting event/a friend helped plan it) is because I don't want to have that kind of bad vibrations around me.

These days, I'd much rather save money on that cute bag to go on a trip with my parents. Happiness is lunch, wherever, on a Sunday with my family. It is grocery shopping with my bestfriend, or learning something new (like the fact that gorillas can catch human colds and other illnesses *yay fun fact!*), or doing pottery like I did for the very first time today. 

I have so much to work on, and I'm so far from perfect. Like everyone else, I do have my bad days too. But most days, even before I get out of bed, I wake up feeling 'beautiful' because I just feel so fucking blessed. So blessed, it feels like I'm hate-resistant because throwing negativity or hate at me doesn't disturb my peace at all, not anymore.

A lot of credit definitely has to go to my family, especially my parents, who have loved me without conditions every day of my life, and my friends who have also shown me that they're pretty much family too. 

It seems silly when you hear people talk about how it's very easy to be led astray by 'bad company' or 'bad friends' but my bestfriend has shown me that it is so true.. The good in his heart and peace in his soul have taught me more than he thinks it has. I hope reading this will show him just how much. 

My heart is truly almost full but I have to admit I still feel a little lost. Almost, because I feel like something is missing, because although I'm very much thankful for the work that I'm able to do, these days I feel like it's not enough and I'm also afraid that the me now is not the me you'd want to see because I'm happy to accept that I'm kinda weird but I don't know if most people would want to see that.. Would you?

I miss you guys and I want to connect with you again and I want to do it through some form of art because that's what I enjoy the most. Every time I go LIVE on IG, I get to chat with some of you and it still makes me so happy to share so I know this part of me isn't 'dead'. I want to tell you about the book I'm reading, the brow pencil that I consider revolutionary, or how I recommend ketchup in your mashed potato, always.

Today, going LIVE while I got ready, and I was asked about doing up a YouTube channel. I feel like it's a little too late for me to the 'game', and I am so bad at editing videos, so I told everyone that there's nobody to help me with editing videos which is a problem. And just like angels, I had people telling me they'd be willing to help.
I didn't think too much of it but I said "Please email me!" and someone really did end up emailing me her portfolio(which I'm about to excitedly check out right after this post)!

Whether it be videos, photos, or even creating things I can put up for sale.. I just want to know that we've touched in some way and have exchanged some good energy.

I'm on my way, and I hope you will be patient with me and support me, whatever it is that is coming our way :)

And if you have a little spare time, feel free to drop me a message, wherever, to tell me what it is that you'd like to see and what you hope I can create to share.

I've kind of been growing on my own, but now I'd like to grow with all of you again. I guess this is step one for me, opening up once more, and I'm very excited to see what we can come up with, together!

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